What a difference five years makes: the latest news

To get one of these, e-mail nwgsdpdx@gmail.com

And hello again to you too. Such news from here!

I met recently with a group of concerned friends who want to take action after this year’s election. We had a union organizer meet with us to talk about tactics, and it was so helpful.

But I also want to remember the first thing he said to us–even though the larger elections might have felt difficult, we also need to celebrate the gains that have been made in the last eight years and even in this election.

There have been difficult and wonderful things about this year for me professionally, too. But I’m starting to look back and five years after leaving academia, it’s amazing that I can just introduce myself to people as a writer. A freelance writer, arts writer, community journalist. So much gratitude to my family, and to my editors, including Hanna Brooks Olsen , Alan Lau (International Examiner), Omar Willey and Jose Amador (Seattle Star), Yoko Nishimura (Discover Nikkei), Tara Austen Weaver (Edible Seattle), and Jennifer Niesslein (Full Grown People). You have all encouraged me, nudged me out into the community, and made me a better writer.

Since graduation day, I’ve been working on so many projects, an abundance ventolin inhaler no prescription australia really. I’ve learned so much. Here are my recent projects and news:

Stay tuned for more news about these events:

  • My first published interview as an author should be up at The Rumpus in February 2017.
  • I’ll be reading in Seattle with some friends, also in February 2017.

Five years ago, I couldn’t have predicted that this is where I would end up. I’m so happy to be here still. Thank you for reading. I’ll keep going.

Come see about me: graduation day

First “Can’t Hurry Love,” now this? Must be something about The Supremes that keeps me coming back. But this is the song that my blog’s been singing to me, sometimes pleading, sometimes mournfully, over the last year or so—it’s a song that online writers and bloggers know well. The frequency, the immediacy, of online writing is a difficult siren song to ignore.

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It’s been almost four years since I started Kikugirl, and a lot’s happened to me since then: most of it surprising and unexpected and wonderful. I am still so grateful to this blog. It’s been my Batsignal, a homing beacon—to my surprise and delight, it’s brought me into contact with women I never met but who knew my dad very well. It’s been my playground, where I’ve been able to run around and climb different structures and spin around until I’m dizzy. It’s been my laboratory, where I’ve been able to experiment. It’s been my yoga mat, which keeps reminding me that process and practice are just about everything in the writing life: the labor and the reward, the despair and the joy. It’s been my megaphone, and brought me into conversation with other writers and other platforms like Discover Nikkei and Avidly. It’s been my place to store pieces of my book project, to muse about this new writing life. And it’s been my life in the fourth degree, the MFA degree in English that I’d never had the guts to pursue until now, but perhaps the degree that I wanted the most after all.

I’m still here, I’m still writing, but most of my writing is now published elsewhere. How amazing is that?

This summer I’m going to turn this site into an author website, with the blog still attached. I’ll update the blog still, especially as I turn back towards the book project this fall. I’ll be, as my dear friend Renee said, an author with a blog as part of my online presence. Typing that sentence, just now, makes me think that though I haven’t finished my book project—the “own private MFA” thesis?—I’ve written my way into being a writer, which is just about the only way it’s done. It doesn’t feel or sound strange to say that I’m a writer anymore, and I don’t feel the need to introduce myself with a preface of what I was.

Hooray for commencement, then: it’s graduation day. I’ll be back. Thank you again and as always for reading.

 

Recent news:

 

The Retelling: Talking to the National Parks Service About Tule Lake

Photo: Jimmy Emerson
Photo: Jimmy Emerson

Today at The Seattle Star, I wrote a piece that I call a struggle with an essay question. The National Parks Service is taking public comments about the future of Tule Lake and how to tell its story. I attended a virtual meeting, but couldn’t really find a way to express myself through the webinar format. I decided to write my responses and send them in.

As I wrote my responses in earlier drafts, I felt like there was something missing–the responses were heartfelt, detailed, but a little too…obedient, academic, detached. So I ended up inserting (almost at the last minute) a trail of italicized comments within the essay, something like (as my editor ventolin with no prescription Jose Amador called them) “a subliminal soundtrack for the reader.” These were much more raw, expressing conflict and tension. I wanted that feeling to stay with the reader: this is why the story of Tule Lake is unfinished and urgent.

Then my publisher Omar took up the essay and added images, playing with fonts for the different voices of the essay. His additions were so much more than I could have asked for. They were a conversation with the text in themselves, and they taught me (as Omar does) about the power of images.

I’m still scared about this essay, but I think that the fear means that I’m heading in the right direction.

The Next Big Thing: Blog Hop, 2013

First draft small

Hans Ostrom has kindly tagged me in this year’s blog meme, a series of writers talking about their works in progress. (Thanks, Hans!)

What is the working title of the book?
I’m still playing with the title—but for now? Life After History: Talking to the Archives of My Dad’s Life.

Where did the idea come from for the book?
It started when my young daughters started to ask about my father. They knew he was dead, but they wanted to know more about him. My daughters will be children of the digital age, and I wanted to think about concrete ways to give them a sense of his presence. In trying to “restore” him for my daughters, I was struck by how much technology and communication has changed from the time of my father’s death (in the early 1980s) and our Facebooking, online lives now. So I started looking at the hard copy archives of my dad’s life: his unpublished book, manuscript his military records, his recipes. My sister’s a visual artist, and we also thought it would be wonderful if she could create a series of works that visually responds to the artifacts and his life (and death). She does some amazing work and I can’t wait to share it.

What genre does your book fall under?
It’s a memoir, although it will also include excerpts from my dad’s unpublished memoir and pictures of my sister’s artwork. Three voices for the price of one!

What actors would you choose to play the part of your characters in a movie rendition?
That’s a tough one, especially for a memoir; who do you cast as yourself? Lea Salonga, Tamlyn Tomita, and Suzy Nakamura are talented and beautiful Asian American actresses, and approximately the right age, but I am not sure I’d ask to cast them as me, precisely for those reasons!

For my dad? One of my grad professors, Steve Sumida, is an amateur actor, and looks a lot like my dad. I’ve gotten to know Ken Narasaki a bit, and he’d also be wonderful to play my dad at a few different ages. But actors like Sab Shimono are probably closer to the right age.

What is the one sentence synopsis of your book?
It’s the story of two writers ventolin inhaler buy online uk meeting on the page, and the results of that meeting: how I tried to restore my dad for my daughters by talking to the archives of his life, how technology helped that quest, and how I became a writer again through that process.

How long did it take you to write the first draft of the manuscript?
Still writing that first draft, going on two years now.

Who or what inspired you to write this book?
There are so many sources, though of course there’s my dad’s book. He died when I was ten years old, and left (among his many other papers) an unpublished memoir about his family’s incarceration at Tule Lake during World War II. I’m also inspired by other Asian American writers like Maxine Hong Kingston and Eugenia Kim, who have written works based on the lives of their families.

What else about your book might pique the reader’s interest?
I’d love to see the book spark different conversations about the legacies of memory and history. So many of us have experienced sweeping technological changes in our lives, but we’re also anxious about the costs and benefits of these changes. What gets lost between page and screen? What gets restored from screen back to page?

If the thousands of registered users on Ancestry.com are any indicator, many people are interested in genealogy and their family histories. People who are interested in family history might also wonder about the archives of their own families, both digital and in print.

Some of the book is about grief; I had not really processed some of my grief about my dad’s death for over twenty-five years. I’d like to think about this book as a step in helping to move grief conversations from the self-help aisle and into other areas of the bookstore.

And of course I hope that people (both within and without the Japanese American community) who are interested in the World War II incarceration experience will find a great deal that resonates.

Will your book be self-published or represented by an agency?
I’d love to find representation with an agent who believes in me and my work, and an editor (and publishing house) who feel the same way.

Pinterest for writers

(Or, one writer on Pinterest. You decide.)

Hi there, and happy new year. My name is Tamiko, and I just used Pinterest as a writing tool. Still with me? There is, as always, a back story.

My sister asked me to join Pinterest so I could look at some images that she’s got there. So I rejoined, having lost my original account when the whole deal was still in beta. Friends from Facebook started finding me on Pinterest, and my e-mail started pinging with notifications. I asked my Facebook friends to be patient with me, since I really had no idea about what I was doing there. I asked them for tips on how to work with Pinterest, or if they enjoyed it, or how they liked to use it best.

Some of my Facebook friends described Pinterest as “more addictive than Facebook.” I have also heard some describe it as the least stressful, lowest-maintenance form of social media, because you don’t have to interact with anyone (necessarily) or gain followers or start conversations. The most appealing descriptions made it sound like a place to arrange your own bookmarks, save recipes, or daydream visually. One friend said that she had a vision board there. Those descriptions sounded fun.

I started “pinning,” or (for the unPinitiated) adding images from sites that I liked, to different “boards,” or subject areas that I created. And oh, it was “luscious,” as another friend put it to shop through different lamps at Cost Plus, and think about the things that I would like to buy for our living room. So pretty! So sparkly! And I liked looking at all the colors together on my boards. I keep wanting to integrate more color into my everyday life and surroundings, and looking at my Pinterest boards does make me happy.

 

There are aspects of Pinterest that concern me, for my own personality and habits. It can be addictive, another form of fracturing my attention. Already I can feel myself thinking, “Oooooh, I can pin this on my ___ board”—after I update my blog (so 2000s), check my Twitter feed, add books to my Goodreads account and update my Facebook status. I’m not sure I need another thing online to monitor and update. And as a book writer, I need longform attention to read, to write, to think beyond 140 characters or 320 pixels. When you get to the Pinterest home page, you are greeted with more images to click, and when you get to your own home page, there are even more of the same from the people and boards that you are following. It can be overwhelming, unless there is another way to monitor and organize the “boards” that you follow from different people. (There could be. I don’t know yet.)

And so much about Pinterest that I’ve seen (thus far) is about desire: things you’d like to buy, projects you’d like to make, recipes you’d like to test, places you’d like to travel, wall decor for your bathrooms… I should mention that I do have a friend who has created a board of “pins completed,” which sounds like a useful way to keep yourself a bit more accountable instead of adding to an ever-increasing to-do list of pins. I could see myself creating a big list of recipes to cook that I hadn’t cooked yet, and a list of house projects that I hadn’t started (or finished) yet, and feeling pretty terrible.

What worries me the most about Pinterest—again, for myself—is that there is very little space for appreciating what I have. As far as I can tell, the Pinterest gaze looks outward and forward, rather than inward or backward. After a while it felt like looking for my own reflection and having to search for it, over and over again, in the mirrors of other people’s houses. Something like the rabbit hole or funhouse of the Internet search itself. (Alexander Chee, who writes some of the finest online essays I know, has a short one about distractions, writing, and the Internet.  One of the best passages:

“The next time you find yourself helplessly in the grip of some internet rabbit hole, take a slight step back, and don’t stop yourself, but ask yourself what it is you are really after. What are the feelings you feel?…[and] whatever it is that is so distracting, would you write more if you wrote about it? Does it want, in other words, to be your subject?”

But one of the Pinterest things I decided to try, on a whim, was to create a “board,” a collection of links and images, for the book I am writing. And, wow. I actually want to keep this board around, and I hope I’ll be able to save it elsewhere somehow, with the other book-related materials. The part of me that keeps jumping ahead to publication says that this Pinterest board could even be part of a marketing tool for the book. Readers might want to know more about certain pieces of the book, and they could look at the board for more information. You can see the entire board here. (I don’t know if you have to be a Pinterest user to see it, so let me know if you can’t see it and you really want to. [Not that any of you need more things to see. I know.])

I started with an image of the place in Northern California where my dad and his family ventolin were incarcerated, Tule Lake. I made that the cover image.

Source: nps.gov via Tamiko on Pinterest

 

Other images followed from sites that I’ve discovered while I’ve been writing and researching the book. An interview with the current poet laureate, Natasha Tretheway, about history’s erasures and memories. A Rumpus article about grief memoirs, another about the genre of memoirs. An Atlantic article about photographers using technology to bring together separated families on the same page, in the same picture. An article on Yoga Journal about a woman who created a yoga workshop specifically for those who are grieving. A national resource center for children and teens who are grieving. A post from my own blog (ooh, I can pin my own content?) to remind me of things that I discovered while writing about grief.

The library where my dad worked for so many years, at Cal State Sacramento.

Source: csus.edu via Tamiko on Pinterest

 

And an image of my sister’s incredible artwork (which I  want to include in the book) of my grandfather’s funeral and the mandala she created over it.

 

The work of putting the images together was partly frustrating, partly satisfying. Frustrating because as much as I loved working with these images (I usually work in text), there were sites that are important to me and my project. And because there was no image to be “pinned,” I couldn’t add them to my board. There are sites with important paragraphs that I want to read over and over again, and the images were not usable or interesting. I went back through my book journal and tried to find pinnable sites for the board; some worked, others didn’t. It would be nice to have a place for all of them, on a virtual visual cork board like this one.

The satisfaction, though, was the surprise. For example, I don’t know if I ever would have searched for an image of the library where my dad worked. But now, every time I see it, I think about all times I went there, visiting him at work. He used to take me and my sister to every single floor of the library, showing us around, and (yes) showing us off to his co-workers. Just seeing the image made me remember all of that. So it was a good reminder of what the image can do, and how the image lets us viscerally access what text does not.

Captioning each image helped me to do some unexpected short writing assignments for the book. Sometimes I wrote important quotes from the interviews. Sometimes I wrote notes about what the images meant to me. Sometimes I wrote and actually discovered something new about the image for myself. I grabbed an image from the book I’ve been meaning to get, Colors of Confinement, an extraordinary collection of color (color!) photos from camp. As I wrote the caption, I thought about what it means to see camp in full color, when we’re so used to seeing and thinking about camp (at least in the present) in black-and-white, the somewhat distant historical past.

 

I thought about how seeing camp in color brings camp dramatically into the present, even if only for a while—and that move is something like the move I want people to experience when they read my book.

And perhaps most importantly, my Pinterest board for the book got me out of my writing rut. It inspired me to go back to the book again. Looking at the images together made me click into a looser, freer, right-brain mode of creating. It was a way of playing with the material that I’d like to keep, if I can.

One final surprise, though: it was shocking to see how much that Pinterest book board contrasted with the others. This board has so many black and white images, so many photos of people and paintings. The other boards contain a lot of landscapes and still lifes and objects. To see the book in terms of representative images showed me another way to see its prominent threads. I got to see my book again: it is about loss, and history. It’s about how we use technology and memory in order to recover. And retrieve. And renew. And heal.

A Few Writer Takeaways for Pinterest:

  • Use Pinterest as a way to play with the material from your book-in-progress. Create a “board,” or collection of links and images, just for your project. Think about it as a vision board or cork board for the book. Move the images around. See what the collective images on a board tell you about your project. Seeing your text-based book in terms of representative images can unlock some of the material or emotions that “just” writing might not.
  • Unless all of your links have interesting, relevant, and usable (“pinnable”) images, Pinterest does not work as well as a place to save all of the links for your book.
  • Use the 500-character caption function as a way to do some short writing assignments about each image for your book. (It’s another way to approach Anne Lamott’s famous “one-inch picture frame” assignment in Bird by Bird.)

Have you used online images as a way to spark your writing process? Have you used Pinterest for your own artmaking or writing? Do you have any Pinterest tips? Please leave them in the comments below.

Update, 1/17/13: Laura Harrington has written a similar post about using Pinterest for novelists, here. More useful tips!

What do I want out of writing?

It’s like the proverbial lonely tree falling in the forest: if you write an essay and it’s not published anywhere, does it count? (For what?) What does publication mean in a digital age where publication can be as easy as hitting a button?

*****

A few weeks ago, I wrote something, and showed it to Josh. He knew that I was still doing my song-and-dance around the scary stuff, around the difficult and true place where I have to go for the book. I knew that I’d have to go farther. He was right. So I did. I went farther down the path where I was supposed to go: towards the gut-clenching, the cold hands, all of that. I did it, and I think I wrote a good piece. It feels true.

Here’s another way I know it’s true: I had to detox afterwards, perform a sort of exorcism by doing things that make me happy: singing really loud to show tunes and 80s pop songs, baking some brownies, cleaning my kitchen. (I think cleaning my kitchen now actually does make me happy: it’s cleaning another workspace.)

While writing the essay, I kept thinking, “Nobody will want to read this.” “No one will want to publish this. It’s a niche-market piece.” There are things that I’ve written in the essay that I believe somewhere beyond what I consciously want to believe. There are things in the essay that scare me, and I think it’s because those things are true, but I don’t want to believe them yet.

And after that, I got stuck in the book process again. I wasn’t sure what I need to write next.

*****

Writing the essay, but not publishing it, or even sending it anywhere to be published, made me think hard about what I want out of this writing process, really: do I write just for the publication, so someone else can hear what I’m saying? Of course I don’t. And somehow…I’m in this funny place. I’ve written something, and I think it’s good, and it scares me, and I don’t know what people will say about it. In this age of near-instantaneous publication and reaction/comment, I wanted someone to read the essay. And yet I’m terrified at putting it up in a public forum. I did have some very specific people in mind can you buy ventolin without script while I wrote it. It is part advice column, part meta-narrative, part confessional, part literary game, part thank you-letter. I sent it to a few good friends, who liked it. But I felt stuck.

Then last week, Josh took a look at the list of what I’d written (or planned to write) so far, and we agreed. About a quarter of what I’ve written so far is going into another book. I may publish that material when I’m in a place that feels more emotionally healthy, where that particular grief is not as raw. It will take a few years, probably.

Yet I know the decision was right. I felt so relieved, ready to go back to the book about my dad and his book manuscript. I made yet another outline of the book, draft #5. Now that I’ve decided that my voice will be the primary one in the book, that it will be in the skull and the vertebrae and the legs of the project skeleton, I know where I’m headed.

(At least for now. It’s writing, after all. I’m learning that these pronouncements are, themselves, up for revision.)

Then something new happened: I stitched together a couple of pieces that I’d been working on for a while. I transcribed some of my dad’s book into the project for the very first time. I’d been transcribing his diary, but I never really thought that transcription could be so intimate. Typing his words on my laptop, thinking about him typing the same words on his typewriter: a daughter and her father, across time periods and technologies, meeting back on the page as writers. I dove back into the book.

I wrote the longest piece that I’ve written for the book, to date. I’m going to call it my first full chapter. Onward.

****

Maybe it’s not trees I need to think about, but birds.

One morning I woke up and heard a small thump, saw the shadow of a bird silhouetted against our bathroom window. I don’t think the bird flew into the window, because it was still able to fly.  I remember hearing the raspy flutter of the bird’s wings, the urgency I felt when I saw it.  And I remember how beautiful it was in that moment: wings outstretched, scared and stunned and shaken, but flying away.

Poem: A Place For What We Lose

A Place For What We Lose

1.
“I’ve forgotten the words to the national anthem,”
my father announced one Saturday morning.
Over pancakes, I sang it, and sang it for him.
I’m sure my voice cracked when the rockets, red, glared,
but I wanted to give him “our flag was still there.”

After dinner parties, he had slide shows.
I held onto numbers.
Which slides were upside down,
which ones were turned backwards?
“Sixteen! Twenty-three!”
I was my father’s child with a good memory.

I thought that I had his clear sense of direction.

2.
All kids know: counting’s different during summer.
And how summer that year blurred after he died.
My sister and I swam for June and July hours,
too far from home, in a neighbor’s green pool.

First the water was clear as love’s certainty.
Weeks later we picked out some dried olive leaves.
By summer’s end the water was murky, particulate.

By August I’d learned how to swim underwater,
to hold my breath, to lie upside buy cheap ventolin down.
I’d start facing wall, kick off hard from the wall,
then glide facing sky, watching world blur above.

3.
We find a place for what we lose,
Papa Freud told a friend who had lost his young son.
If that’s true—I’m pissed.

The place is visceral, not literal or explicable.
The place is physical, not geographic.
The place is a fucking paradox: impossible.

Or rather, to revise:
we make a place, Freud added,
shaped just like the loss.

4.
First the grief of remembering fought the relief of forgetting.
(Forgetting won, no contest. It knew how to erase. )
Then the grief at forgetting was the relief of remembering.
(Remembering crept into and nourished each space.)

5.
Did my father ask me to sing him that song?
What helped him forget? What made him remember?
I had the words. I gave them all back.

What makes me forget? What helps me remember?
I still have the words. I keep singing them back.

In print

It’s been rather busy around here. I’ve got 3 very different writing projects going on, and they are stretching me in really interesting and unexpected ways. Something like yoga. But I had to share this picture, because this piece began here.

The same piece which began here, from this blog, has been reprinted in two different anthologies. A week ago, I got a copy of the anthology from the good folks at Heyday Press.  It was something to see publication happen online, but it was also unexpectedly wonderful to get a copy of the anthology, to see myself in the table of contents, and to see the piece ventolin over the counter usa laid out and professionally typeset. On paper.

I am very grateful to the folks at Kartika Review for publishing the piece first, in their Spring 2011 issue. Without their selection, I would not have been eligible for their Kartika Review 2011 anthology, or the Heyday Press reprinting.

I’m grateful to folks who read and comment here, especially to my dear friend Tara who insisted that I submit this piece somewhere.

I’m grateful to my family and friends, whose love and support make so much of my writing possible.

I’ll be back with more of the book in progress this week.

This much of my father’s voice (The diary, part 2)

And the first questions that may be on your mind: his diary? Isn’t that private? And you’re writing it out?

Well, yes, it is a diary. However, from what I can tell—and I’ve skimmed quite a few pages—it’s not so terribly private. There really just isn’t enough space on each page or each day for many private details, really. It is mostly a record of what happened each day. Very little space for reflection, or analysis, or introspection. So I don’t feel like I am invading his privacy, or at least in any way that he would worry about. But I do try to remember that it’s an artifact meant mostly for himself.

It’s a beautiful diary, though, and it’s amazing how well it’s held up over time. I give it a gentle pat each time I take it out of my computer bag.

I can’t believe how old it is. I started transcribing it almost exactly sixty years after he wrote it. There’s the thrill of the archive, the pleasure of research, that comes with transcription. It begins on his first day of boot camp. He was in the army for several years. As far as I can tell, it talks about his years in the military, including a brief stint overseas in Europe, and then about his return to the States and his first year or two of community college.

It says so much, and I have so much to say about it.

But for today I want to talk a bit about time travel. What I thought would be a linear journey through a five-year narrative has become something like an exercise in time travel, and it may be as close to tessering as I can come. My dad wrote this diary in the early 1950s, from early 1952-1956.  The funny thing is that I also know how the story ends—I know where he ends up going to school, where his career winds up, and eventually when and how he meets my mother. Part of what I’m after in writing this book, though, is the story of the middles: what happened after he left camp, before he met my mother. So I’ll be reading, transcribing, and then some reference will come along (“so and so said that July 5th would be all right”)—and I can flip to that particular day, and find out what happened. And I’m also older than he was when he was writing the diary. It’s his early twenties, for the voice in the diary. It makes me feel oddly protective of the young man that he was.

And at the same time, I am reading sooo slowly, much more slowly than I usually read. I read quickly (and then reread) often. So many of my books are books that I reread. But to read by writing each diary entry means that I am only reading as fast as I can type and then turn the pages. To read by writing makes me look, and look again. I’m not impatient with the work, somehow. I’m just luxuriating in this much time, and this much text: this much of my father’s voice.

Legible (the diary, part 1)

This month I have been thinking about what it takes for something, or someone, to become legible: clear enough to read.

And in thinking about legibility, I thought about grad school. In my first quarter, I had a grad professor whose unenviable job it was to teach us literary theory. We began in summer, actually, with one thousand pages of required reading from a textbook with fragile Bible-paper-thin pages. All this before we started the fall quarter. I think it was a tough class because I was so resistant to the ideas, but also because I was so incredibly resistant to the writing in the course readings.

Literary theory, which we could define very simply for now as a lens (or set of lenses) to read the text, can be painfully dense sometimes. My grad class was not my first class in literary theory, I’m ashamed to say. I say “ashamed” because it was the first theory class that actually “took,” where I actually decided to learn and absorb the material.

I’d taken a theory class during my senior year of college, but (perhaps I shouldn’t admit this?) refused to read very much. One of the biggest obstacles in literary theory—ideas which are supposed to illuminate the very texts they are discussing—is the density of the language. In fact, literary theory felt so dense that it felt like white noise, that raspy shower of ashes that used to come up when televisions still had antennae, before they went digital. When I used to start reading literary theory by someone with particularly difficult writing, my brain would just tune the words out like white noise, or maybe the spaces between radio stations. Take this sentence by the philosopher Jacques Derrida:

“To grasp the operation of creative imagination at the greatest possible proximity to it, one must turn oneself toward the invisible interior of poetic freedom.”

When I would read literary theory, especially by someone like Derrida, it felt something like when you are learning a foreign language and you only know a few basic phrases:

“To grasp the EEEEEE ERRRRRH at the AHHHHH to it, one must ERRRRRRH….”

And so on. It felt like paragraphs and paragraphs and chapters of white noise.
It was enough to make me throw the book against the wall, several times. It was as though some part of my brain decided to shut down deliberately whenever I’d try to read. “What? WHAT? WHAAAAT?” my brain would shout at the text, and I’d give up. Really. I’d reread, and reread, and fight the text the entire way. I really thought that the writers were doing it on purpose, and this really pissed me off.

So in my grad class, one of my professors gave me an interesting lesson in reading comprehension. He suggested that if we were struggling with a writer’s prose, we should take a page of their writing and write it out. We could handwrite it, he said, or retype it. But he wanted us to rewrite that person’s writing in order to understand them better. Only when we’d traveled the same path of commas and compound clauses and conjunctive phrases could we begin to understand how that person was thinking.

As I’ve been transcribing my dad’s diary (really, a diary of five years!), my professor’s lesson in legibility has returned. It’s one of those very old diaries with five years, a page per day, but organized only by the day rather than the year. Each page contains 5 years of the same date: five years of January 11th, on the same page. As a narrative, it makes no sense if you read one entire page and then move to the next. And my dad’s handwriting is so small because the spaces for each entry are so small. Tweet-sized, if you will. So until now, I haven’t actually sat down and read through the entire diary. Instead, as Josh suggested, I’ve been transcribing it.

This means that I’ve been writing my father’s diary in order to read it.

(Unless you’re a historian, how often do you read a long piece of text by writing it out first?)

It’s an amazing experience, an exercise in writerly empathy. And of course, it’s a metaphor for the entire book I’m writing: it makes me wonder what it takes for my father to become legible again. I’ll be taking the next post or two to talk about it.

Thanks to everyone who responded here and privately to the last post. It was very hard to write, and terrifying, but I’m feeling how necessary it was in the book-writing process.